Your Enneagram Friend

A Brief Overview of the Three Instincts? Wendy + Molly

August 03, 2024 • Wendy Busby • Season 1 • Episode 6

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Ever wondered how understanding your dominant Enneagram instinct could transform your everyday life? Join Wendy and Molly as they unpack the intricacies of self-preservation, social, and sexual instincts. Discover how our self-preservation instincts influence everything from home organization to financial security, through our personal stories and anecdotes. We also delve into the fascinating concept of subtypes, where your dominant instinct pairs with your Enneagram type to create a unique personality profile. This episode is just the beginning, setting the stage for a series exploring each subtype in detail.

Explore the dynamics of social and sexual dominant instincts and their impact on group behavior and individual relationships. Hear about a compelling social experiment that highlights the need for social visibility for social dominant and the magnetic intensity of one-on-one connections for sexual dominant. We encourage you to approach your dominant instincts with curiosity and compassion, offering a fresh perspective on self-awareness. Stay tuned for an upcoming Q&A session on the Enneagram, and don't forget to check out Wendy's Instagram for more valuable insights and updates.

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Speaker 1:

Hey everyone, welcome to the your Enneagram Friend podcast, where I have engaging and thought-provoking conversations with my friends about the Enneagram. I'm Wendy Busby, your very own life and relationship coach, here to inspire you to know yourself better. Thank you for listening. I am super happy to have my friend and teaching partner, molly Knutson Keller, back for another episode. For those of you who listened to our previous episode, where we discussed all nine Enneagram types, you know that Molly and I have joined forces and created Enneagram in Action, where our mission is to inspire you to get curious about yourself and the people around you so that you can thrive in every area of your life. We're all about making growth, using the wisdom of the Enneagram, simple and accessible to you.

Speaker 1:

So today, molly and I are talking about instincts. Hey, molly, hey, great to be here. I am. It's going to be so fun to do this again. Yeah, so this word instincts? What-preservation? Social and sexual, or often referred to as one-to-one, where we are all born with all three and their purpose is to help us survive. The instincts operate at an unconscious level and they're're activated very fast, before emotions and before cognition. So, Molly, how do these instincts that I just described relate to the Enneagram?

Speaker 2:

Well, great question and great description incorporates this concept of instincts, which are those primal forces that evolved long, long ago to ensure our survival and our well-being as a species. So everyone has all three instincts, but typically there's one that dominates and is overused compared to the other two. Each one of us has a dominant instinct, and Beatrice Chestnut describes this dominant one like a wild animal that needs taming, like it just takes off and our work is to keep it on its leash. We then have a secondary or a middle instinct, and then also a least used one, which is referred to often as the repressed instinct. So, for instance, I'm a self-preservation dominant, with social as my second and then sexual as my last or repressed instinct. So this order is known as what's called our stack or sequence, the sequence of self-preservation, social, sexual or however it goes. So, wendy, what is your sequence?

Speaker 1:

So I am self-preservation dominant, like you, okay, but differ in that sexual is second in my sequence and social is repressed. So it's self-preservation, sexual, social for me.

Speaker 2:

Great, and it's so fascinating how even that difference flavors how we are a little differently. It sure does.

Speaker 1:

It sure does.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, okay. So now let's briefly discuss subtypes, and don't worry if this sounds confusing, we will keep exploring all of this, but just want to give a brief overview. Subtype is the combination of our dominant instinct, the survival instinct and our Enneagram number, and this pairing together gives a unique flavor to each Enneagram type. In fact, each Enneagram number of the nine numbers has three different expressions based on the dominant instinct, which leads to a total of 27 types when we add in the instincts.

Speaker 1:

That's right and it is. It seems like a big topic and we're going to get into that really specifically in another episode. So today, this, this podcast episode, is just going to be about the instincts, about what they are kind of the wave top overview, and then in some coming up, some episodes that are going to be coming up, we're going to go through each of the subtypes one by one. So that's going to be fun.

Speaker 2:

That'll be really fun.

Speaker 1:

All right. So let's really dig into what these instincts mean, and we'll start with self-preservation. So the key traits of the self-preservation instinct are security, well-being and safety. This instinct is responsible for keeping us alive. So inside us is this unconscious energy pushed towards concerns like having enough resources, avoiding danger and maintaining a sense of structure and order. People who are dominant in self-preservation. They're often organized, punctual, pragmatic, and they can have a hard time trusting others in life and are focused on self-care themes like health, money or food, and they have a natural tendency towards fear and anxiety. So, as we both said, molly and I are both self-preservation dominant. So we're going to share a little bit about how the self-preservation instinct shows up for us specifically. So, molly, you to share a little bit about how the self-preservation instinct shows up for us specifically. So, molly, you want to start with that? Sure.

Speaker 2:

So, yes, self-preservation dominant as a two, and this instinct really shows up for me around the home, my nest and around financial security. I will. I'll start with the home. I love nesting, I love making sure my home environment is cozy and that it's comfortable and it's clean or at least tidy, like, for example, I can't start writing or sit down to focus and concentrate until the laundry is started or maybe the desk is cleared off or the dishes are done and the counter wiped off. It's definitely a focus. And as far as around money, well, I'm not sure, but I'm going to. I'm not sure how frequent this is for people, but I check my bank balance at least once a day, probably more than once, and that means all of them, which I could argue is important. Yes, and yet I also have a self preservation habit of checking my retirement accounts very frequently every day, just to feel secure, which is completely not necessary for everyday life, which I could probably tame, that wild animal.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, I'm working on it. That is a very common aspect of self-preservation. I have a number of self-preservation clients who are hyper-focused on their accounts. Like it's a really important aspect for that. It's very important for them to check them regularly.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, and it can be a distraction from other things. So, getting back on that leash, how about?

Speaker 1:

you, wendy. Yeah, so the self-preservation instinct. For me, it intensifies my focus on wellbeing and taking care of myself. So I'm always kind of hyper aware of how my body is feeling, if I'm too cold or if I'm too hot or if I'm hungry or if I have some sort of physical pain. And it really really shows up anytime I travel, because I overpack for every trip I've ever gone in, like I might need something and it can get really bad Like yeah, anyways, I'm working on that.

Speaker 2:

You bring a little, a little lot of home with you. I let you go.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, I do. Okay, and um, I have a general fear and anxiety which is common for self-preservation dominant types, you know but this. But the fear and anxiety is really more about the important people in my life dying because I need them to survive. Low self-preservation, it's like. So, my dominant instinct. It drives my impulses to stay safe by having healthy relationships with people, because that's one way I feel safe. And then another way that self-preservation shows up for me is being overly focused on my health and taking care of myself by working out, eating healthy, taking vitamins, all of that. And that requires organization, routine. I feel safer when I have a routine that I can rely on because it's predictable. So when things get a little wonky in my life, I will get more anxious and then I'll withdraw until I have a sense of stability again.

Speaker 2:

Wow, that all makes so much sense. Thanks for sharing that yeah absolutely, you too.

Speaker 1:

All right, let's shift to the social instinct. Okay, molly, what are the key traits associated with this social instinct?

Speaker 2:

Right, Okay, so the key traits associated with the social instinct when it is dominant are relationship, relationship to the group or actually in any way not just dominant, but overall, as one of the three expressions. The key traits associated are relationship to the group or a herd mentality, as you hear, and security in the collective. Safety and security in the collective. This instinct is responsible for alerting us to know how we're positioned in relation to and regarded in groups. People who are social dominant often seek approval and recognition. They're concerned with social image, leadership and team cohesion, their status. They're often political and pay attention to groups and the inner dynamics of groups.

Speaker 1:

Yes, that's such a great description. So here's let me give you an example of one of my social dominant friends. This is what she said about it, and it's important to know that she's a social too. So that does flavor the expression and we can't separate the two. But social dominant to her means always paying attention to the whole group. She says I'm always aware of what everyone needs, who is connecting with who, who isn't connecting. And then she believes, and she believes that she knows what is right and and thinks that well, if, if, the group would just listen to me, like we would all be better off. So there's this, this, that's where that kind of leadership, political piece kind of comes in right. There's an aspect of it just kind of comes naturally to the social dominant person. They're often ambitious, they want to be in charge, and she says if I'm in charge then I know I'll be taken care of, and that it's really important that she is acknowledged and recognized for her efforts to the group.

Speaker 2:

Interesting.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, do you have anything to add to that, molly?

Speaker 2:

Yeah, I was thinking about the social instinct and someone's attentiveness to group dynamics, like arranging a room so that everyone is in the circle and making sure the chairs are placed just right. It's important to note that being social dominant does not necessarily mean a love of socializing, right. While it's connected to the sense of belonging, social dominant people also don't always feel like they belong and sometimes they focus on ensuring that the group is okay so that they can step out or step away, rather than being in the middle of everything. Yeah, so again, that depends on one's Enneagram type, flavored with the instinct.

Speaker 1:

So, yeah, yeah, and again, keep listening, because we're going to discuss all of that.

Speaker 2:

If this is getting confusing, it's okay.

Speaker 1:

We'll just go slow. Hang on, everybody Hang on.

Speaker 2:

Yeah.

Speaker 1:

Got all the time, yeah, so let's then finally talk about the sexual instinct, and this instinct is also often referred to as one-to-one because, quite frankly, people get uncomfortable with the word sexual. So let's explain first what we mean by sexual one-to-one.

Speaker 2:

Okay, Sure, sexual or one-to-one talks about that survival instinct that we each have to drive. This drive to project ourselves into the environment, to form deep connections and to leave a lasting legacy. This instinct, you know, also known, as we said, as the sexual or one-to-one. It's focused on the intensity of experiences and on one-to-one relationships, not always a partnership or an intimate relationship, but any kind of relationship. It drives us to seek strong, energetic connections with others. Sometimes it's called the juice or the sizzle you know, when you felt that sizzle While it's often called the sexual instinct.

Speaker 2:

As I said, it's not solely about sexuality. It's about informing intense personal bonds and experiencing life with a passion and with a depth. Yeah, so I'll just share a little bit about a good friend I have who is sexual, dominant and, curiously, wendy, also a type two, which today is Yep. And so she describes this feeling of wanting intense connection all the time, in every situation, and talks about this never enough feeling and always wanting or needing more from someone, and she describes it like a hungry lion, a possessiveness of sorts.

Speaker 1:

Yes, I also heard a sexual dominant person describe it one time in this way and she said it's an intense gaze and intense connection with their special person. And sexual dominant people often have like this intense eye contact with someone. Like there's this wanting to just like this want to get the thing that I'm drawn to right really interesting, interesting.

Speaker 2:

this is so fun, wendy, I love talking about this.

Speaker 1:

Okay, so we've given, we've given an overview, a quick overview of each of the types and. But we want to make this relatable for people because you know it's all jargon at this point. So let's give a couple, let's give a couple of examples of um no-transcript Okay. You want to do that.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, yeah, yeah, okay. So I love this picture, this overall picture of the three dominant instincts going to a party. I know it sounds like a joke, set up right. So three dominant instincts go to a party.

Speaker 2:

That's right. That's right. And so three dominant instincts go to a party the self-preservation dominant. When they go into to the party they find the buffet and the bathrooms and actually wonder when it's time to go home. Um, the social dominant instinct gets the vibe of the group and sees who's there and sees what's happening and how everybody's um doing it's the vibe of the group. And the sexual how everybody's doing it's the vibe of the group. And the sexual dominant instinct looks at the group and spots the most interesting person to talk to and they seek them out and go talk to them for the rest of the night.

Speaker 1:

Right, yeah, yeah. So we mentioned on the last podcast that we did together, molly, that you and I met at a CP Enneagram retreat, yeah, and so I want to describe the exercise that they had us do there because I think people will really relate to it. And so, starting with the self-preservation, there was someone there that had a backpack and they had everything that they can need in the backpack. This goes to like where I pack absolutely everything that I need. I always have food in my purse, I always have, you know, motrin or floss, or I mean it's a little ridiculous, but this person had a backpack. It had everything that they needed in it and the facilitator of the group went over and grabbed the backpack and started rooting through it and it was like, well, how is this making you feel like what's happening? And it was an uncomfortable sensation for the self-preservation dominant person not to have their stuff with them, like I need that. And so there's this way that we can hold on to resources because we might need it, right?

Speaker 2:

I mean, this is so funny. Right here I have both my coffee and my water, just in case I need it.

Speaker 1:

I need it. Yeah, that's a great, a great real time example, right. And then the social person they had everybody in the group kind of gathered together, like they were at a little social event and talking, and they took the self, the social dominant person, and put them in a chair with their back to the group and they couldn't turn around and look and that was. And then it was like, well, how did you know, how did that make you feel? And it was like it was like, well, how did you know, how did that make you feel? And it was like it was so uncomfortable not to be able to have eyes on the group. They felt left out. Like wait a minute, I'm supposed to be integral, so did I say that, right, yeah, yeah yeah, integral something?

Speaker 2:

yeah, no, all of a sudden eyes on the group on eyes on the group.

Speaker 1:

What's the dynamic of the group? Who's in charge of the group?

Speaker 2:

and and it's connected to that survival instinct of safety and security.

Speaker 1:

In order to survive, I have to have yes, in order to survive I have to have my eyes on the group In order to survive, I have to have. It goes so deep the group, the tribe, yeah, and there's a lot of energy and focus put on that. And then for the sexual dominant person, they had that person get up and walk around the room and they're like who is the person that you want to get to know, like who's the person that's catching your eye, that you're like drawn to, and who's the person you want to go and pull them in close to you. And it was like, and there was one person, it was like this, that person right there, they could spot them. It was like everyone else didn't matter, it was that one person that they had to get to know, had to connect with. So there's intensity.

Speaker 2:

And it's almost like a magnetic bolt, right, yes, yeah, that's a great memory. I'm picturing it all right now.

Speaker 1:

I am too. I'm seeing us all there in the chapel.

Speaker 2:

That's right, such a great thing, yeah, very interesting.

Speaker 1:

Well, hopefully, those two examples, the party, and then you know, the resources examples that we gave, help people touch into maybe what their dominant instinct might be, if they're not aware of that yet.

Speaker 2:

And and as, as we always do, right Wendy, we want to encourage each one of you, as you're listening, to use curiosity with compassion, to be curious about yourself and honest, and also with that infusion of compassion.

Speaker 1:

Yeah.

Speaker 2:

As you're playing around with this really important influence of our dominant instinct.

Speaker 1:

Yes, yes, and so we did cover quite a lot of ground today pretty quickly. So we're going to keep this one shorter, but we want to um, we want to start to put together a Q and a. So if you have questions about the Enneagram, if you have questions about what we've talked about today, send us your question at to my email, which is Wendy Busby coaching ataching at gmailcom. We're going to start to collect them for a future episode a Q and A, which I think will be super fun.

Speaker 2:

Right.

Speaker 1:

And remember, be on the lookout for our subtypes series. We're going to start by doing the eight, nine and one for one episode and then we'll move to two, three, four and finish with five, six, seven, but there'll be three separate episodes that we do. So we can really dig into the intricacies of how instinct and type come together to flavor the expression.

Speaker 2:

Right Do you have anything to add? Molly, I do. I want to make a plug for Wendy's, for your Instagram site. It is full of information, chock full of really, really powerful quality information. So go over there and check it out, because it's it's really a fun way to just kind of scroll through and see what catches your attention.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, thanks, molly, and you can find. Yeah, you can find me on Instagram, at your Enneagram friend, or you can search my name, wendy Busby, and you'll find it there. But yeah, I'd love to love to have anyone who wants to connect there as well.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, thanks for inviting me. This is really you know. You know us twos. This has been so fun us twos.

Speaker 1:

This has been so fun. Yeah, it really has been fun, and I'm excited for all of our future episodes the Wendy and Molly power team that we have going on, all right. All right, everybody. Stay tuned until next time. We'll see you later.